I just want to be mad for awhile...


So, I can't tell you how angry I have been since Friday. On Friday, I talked with the nurse that is assigned to my case and found out that I needed to get another letter of clearance from a high risk OBGYN. Obviously, the letter from my cardiologist wasn't good enough and I need another letter.


I am angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, not happy for a variety of reasons. I will list them below:


1. I feel lied to and misled about the second letter of clearance. I wasn't aware of a second letter of clearance in my initial IVF visit. The nurse "assured" me that they told me of this second letter.


2. I am ready to get started and get this process over and get pregnant. This just seems like yet another hurtle I need to jump over to get the process started.


3. Don't make a woman wait another few weeks when she has already waited 8 MONTHS to get to this point. It just isn't fair.


4. Life isn't fair and I don't know how to deal with disappointment.


5. I feel out of control. I feel like I am just another number, just yet another 30 something girl trying to get pregnant at the clinic. But I am screaming inside because this is all new to me and the outcome is unknown. I don't like not knowing.


A few years ago a friend said the following to me, "some years will take away, some years will give, but GOD never wastes pain." I keep telling myself this. I know in the future I will look over this blog post and feel differently about it. But when you are going through it feels so painful and unbearable.


I have been trying to get my mind off of my pain by going shopping, building a cabinet, and going to acupuncture. However, the acupuncture and meditation brought all of these feelings to the forefront again.


To calm myself down, I got on the elliptical and I am writing this blog post. I do feel better. I feel as if someone out there in blog land is listening and cares or understands the frustration. I will get better and I know that this is all part of my journey to becoming a mother.


I am sure as a mother I will have to deal with disappointment and frustration. So, I will have to face these emotions yet again sometime in the future.

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