My stomach is in knots most days. I haven't been able to really function. It is always on my mind. The "what ifs" the guilt and the questions.
I wish I could make it all stop. But it is just the beginning. I wish I could live a "normal" life and go through this process. But I think I gave up being "normal" a long time ago. I am seeing a counselor and that is helping. However, I am struggling with staying positive. I feel so negative, so helpless, and so not myself anymore. This is by far my hardest struggle of my life. From the time I was a little girl I knew that I wanted to be a mother. All of my Barbies were pregnant and I would pretend to be pregnant by stuffing my shirts to make a pregnant belly. My poor parents where probably horrified! Hahaha. When someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up? My response was a mother and the president.
I dearly hope my dream of being a mother comes true. I will cherish every moment with my child. I know in my heart that I will make a wonderful mother. I have such a big heart! I know I do. But I have to say that the anger and resentment flowing through my veins recently has made me question my loving heart. It has made me question everything about myself.
I am going to end with a positive thought. I know that I will be a wonderful mother regardless of how I become a mother whether it is with IVF or adoption. I was built and destined to be a mother. This much I know is true.